After reading this I started to reflect on how much happier I am not being an active member of the LDS Mormon church.
In my twenties, instead of living my dreams and enjoying the best years of my life I was trapped in my own Mormon belief system that I must marry young to a seemingly perfect returned missionary (even if I didn’t totally love him) and have kids right away. This led to a series of unfortunate events: dire poverty, stuck at home with several small children (led to severe depression), my guilt over not being good enough, my husband using porn as a dysfunctional coping mechanism (young kids, poverty, demanding schooling, bills, etc.) and (I believe) a function of years of pre-marriage sexual suppression, then there was all of my excruciating pain associated with all of this, demanding church callings, not feeling like I wanted sex due to depression from poverty and kids and my husband wanting to use sex toys, etc. because of porn addiction led to sexual abuse, tithing led to further poverty. I had no power because my husband was the leader of the house. I had no say over money because I didn’t work. Years later, I felt so much pain over my oldest son leaving the church (blamed my husband). I thought my son and husband were failures even though they were upstanding in every other way. I was judgemental and closed-minded.
And perhaps God led me to this knowledge to help free me from years of pain and sorrow.
Now I am free. Almost free. I still have to play along somewhat to not disturb my younger kids and parents too much. I don’t want to cause them pain. Anyway, now my kids are older and moving out one by one. They are largely self-sufficient. We are doing great financially. I have my own job and I don’t defer to my husband anymore. I don’t have a calling. I only attend one hour of church. I don’t pay tithing although I give generously to charity. I have control of my life. My husband very rarely looks at pornography now and when he does I no longer feel pain. I still don’t love it, but it doesn’t bother me like it used to. I have freedom with my time to choose what I would like to do and how to spend my life. I have my self-esteem back. I still pray and meditate for spiritual peace, but I no longer feel guilty for not being good enough. I feel that the sky is the limit for me now that my mind is freed, my free-agency has returned.