I thought I would comment on why I’ve been silent for awhile on this blog.
There have been a couple of reasons. One is that this is a secret blog. One that my husband, children and extended family don’t know about. At least I think they don’t.
I completely delete all traces of this blog from my computer so no one will find it. This is because although my husband said that he finally understood why I was disillusioned with the church we continued to go to church for the kid’s sake. My husband felt that the church is great about churning out moral kids and he didn’t want to take that away from them.
But going to church every week and hanging out with all of the Mormons has re-brainwashed my husband into accepting all of it as true again. The problem is that the church mixes up its erroneous and crazy ideas with true principles such as love, charity, ethics, hard work, dependability, responsibility, clean living, etc. So it is easy to compare the clean-cut Mormons with the outside world and think the Mormons must be right. The church is filled with “Leave It To Beaver” families and that is appealing to my husband.
If my husband found this blog he would be angry that I was putting my views out there and concerned that the kids might find it. My extended family might eventually accept me leaving the church, but they would never forgive me for this blog.
The second reason is that I think (true or not) the Mormon church seems to make some people happy. They like it and I don’t really want to take away their happiness. I don’t want to break up families or make someone an outsider.
I wrote this blog because I wanted to see if I was the crazy one, or if there were others who felt like I did and agreed with me that something is seriously wrong with the Mormon church. I also wanted to reach out to those people ( like me) who were not happy in the church. People who felt trapped and miserable in it and who felt like the beliefs were insane and all of the believers were good people, with good intentions, but crazy brainwashed. I was writing to people who felt pressured and unaccepted if they didn’t tow the line and work their butt off for something they didn’t believe in.
I have no problem with “Leave It To Beaver” families. I am all for ethics, morals and responsibility, but shouldn’t the truth matter? Shouldn’t it matter if Joseph Smith deceived everyone or not? Shouldn’t there be an in-depth research into his claims before we set our life to follow his teachings? Most Mormons will tell you- it doesn’t matter about church history- what matters is your personal relationship with Christ, but it DOES matter. It matters because the whole relationship is based around following the teachings of Joseph Smith. Even though Mormons say they learn from the Bible, they are always referring to Joseph Smith’s interpretation of it, or what one of the Mormon prophets said about it. So church history matters and it is everything. Yet, Mormons refuse to look at it, read it, research it, or study it in-depth. They turn a blind eye or only read sanitized church versions.
Anyway, I don’t know the best way to proceed from this point. I don’t know what is best for me or my kids. If my husband and I were on the same page it would be clearer, or if I had any family members who understood me I could bounce ideas off of them, but everyone just thinks I’m wrong and bad and need help.
I’m not sure what to do next.