Disillusioned Mormon, Scared

I thought I would comment on why I’ve been silent for awhile on this blog.

There have been a couple of reasons. One is that this is a secret blog. One that my husband, children and extended family don’t know about. At least I think they don’t.

I completely delete all traces of this blog from my computer so no one will find it. This is because although my husband said that he finally understood why I was disillusioned with the church we continued to go to church for the kid’s sake. My husband felt that the church is great about churning out moral kids and he didn’t want to take that away from them.

But going to church every week and hanging out with all of the Mormons has re-brainwashed my husband into accepting all of it as true again. The problem is that the church mixes up its erroneous and crazy ideas with true principles such as love, charity, ethics, hard work, dependability, responsibility, clean living, etc. So it is easy to compare the clean-cut Mormons with the outside world and think the Mormons must be right.  The church is filled with “Leave It To Beaver” families and that is appealing to my husband.

If my husband found this blog he would be angry that I was putting my views out there and concerned that the kids might find it. My extended family might eventually accept me leaving the church, but they would never forgive me for this blog.

The second reason is that I think (true or not) the Mormon church seems to make some people happy. They like it and I don’t really want to take away their happiness. I don’t want to break up families or make someone an outsider.

I wrote this blog because I wanted to see if I was the crazy one, or if there were others who felt like I did and agreed with me that something is seriously wrong with the Mormon church. I also wanted to reach out to those people ( like me) who were not happy in the church. People who felt trapped and miserable in it and who felt like the beliefs were insane and all of the believers were good people, with good intentions, but crazy brainwashed. I was writing to people who felt pressured and unaccepted if they didn’t tow the line and work their butt off for something they didn’t believe in.

I have no problem with “Leave It To Beaver” families. I am all for ethics, morals and responsibility, but shouldn’t the truth matter? Shouldn’t it matter if Joseph Smith deceived everyone or not? Shouldn’t there be an in-depth research into his claims before we set our life to follow his teachings? Most Mormons will tell you- it doesn’t matter about church history- what matters is your personal relationship with Christ, but it DOES matter. It matters because the whole relationship is based around following the teachings of Joseph Smith. Even though Mormons say they learn from the Bible, they are always referring to Joseph Smith’s interpretation of it, or what one of the Mormon prophets said about it. So church history matters and it is everything. Yet, Mormons refuse to look at it, read it, research it, or study it in-depth. They turn a blind eye or only read sanitized church versions.

Anyway, I don’t know the best way to proceed from this point. I don’t know what is best for me or my kids. If my husband and I were on the same page it would be clearer, or if I had any family members who understood me I could bounce ideas off of them, but everyone just thinks I’m wrong and bad and need help.

I’m not sure what to do next.

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12 Responses to Disillusioned Mormon, Scared

  1. eric says:

    I don’t know how much I can offer by way of suggestions on how to proceed but I will at least offer some comments as a sincere gesture that I hope will go beyond sympathy and approach some degree of empathy. Although my situation is different I too am feeling somewhat at a loss for what to do at this point. I have decided I want to leave the church and have my name removed from its records. While I don’t feel hostility toward the church and, like you, I have no desire to disrupt the happiness of any of my friends and family, I cannot in good conscience continue in the church. I am so convinced that it isn’t true that I want to leave it all behind for good and don’t want to leave others with the false hope that it’s just a phase I’m going through and that, through a bit of effort on their part, I might come back.

    Oddly enough, today I had one of my most difficult days yet. My girlfriend said she wasn’t sure she wanted to come over because she was worried my parents would judge her. Upon further inquiry she clarified that she, “[didn’t] want them to think [she was] a bad Mormon for deciding to stay with [me].” I don’t think she understood the full implications of what she said but needless to say it hurt bad. What’s worse, I know that this is just a microcosm of what is to come if I do in fact leave the church. My relationship with my family and virtually all my friends will be altered forever and in some cases probably severed completely.

    I think (true or not) the Mormon church seems to make some people happy. They like it and I don’t really want to take away their happiness. I don’t want to break up families …

    I know how you feel. Although I haven’t told my parents flat out that I want to leave the church I’ve spoken with them candidly about my beliefs and they know where I stand. Already the pain I’ve caused has been regrettable but I don’t know what else I can do. I know I am the focus of many of their prayers and have already caused them to fast multiple times on my behalf. All their reactions have been completely understandable in the context of Mormonism but I wish somehow they could see it from my perspective and know that they don’t have to worry about me in the least bit. I am the same person, have almost the same moral perspective as before, and am perfectly content with where I am in my beliefs. In fact—ironically—the only thing causing me distress is their reaction and the looming threat of others like it from other loved ones.

    I wrote this blog because I wanted to see if I was the crazy one, or if there were others who felt like I did and agreed with me that something is seriously wrong with the Mormon church. I also wanted to reach out to those people ( like me) who were not happy in the church.

    There is definitely a lot of things wrong with the church and from what I can tell, there’s nothing wrong with your mental state. 🙂 For what it’s worth, I’ve gotten a lot out of reading your blog. Church history had little to do with the overthrow of my belief in the church but just out of curiosity I’ve decided to take it up recently. Your blog has both brought specific things that are important to my attention (like View of the Hebrews) and motivated me to research more in general.

    As for your husband, I hope he’s just in denial. Based on where he was before, I can’t imagine he’ll last very long ignoring some of the issues he’s aware of but maybe I’m wrong. In any case Sarah I commend you for your bravery. You’re not in an easy spot and a lot of people would just throw in the towel and choose convenience and comfort over reason and truth. I guess if I did offer a suggestion it would be to continue to be true to yourself and let the rest happen. I can’t imagine that you’d ever regret following what you knew to be true but on the other hand I think there would be a lot of regret if you don’t.

  2. Sarah says:

    I admire your courage! I’ve listened to speakers who have left the Mormon church and have suffered for it on many levels. Stay strong in your convictions and your pursuit for truth! You are very brave. I hope others stumble upon your blog and find the strength to examine the discrepancies of the Mormon doctrine. High five, sistah!

  3. cakeatmidnight says:

    I feel so sad for both of you. I am not Mormon, but I am surrounded by them and they want my 19 year old daughter for their son to marry. As an outsider, these people are family destroyers. They used to seem so nice and caring, but as soon as she turned 18, they have become experts in driving a wedge in our family. It is hard enough as an outsider, I can’t imagine how hard it is for both of you with all the pressure that Mormons place on their own families. Doing the right thing is usually the hardest thing. I think it is all about Jesus, and Jesus is about love and not guilting people into living a lie. The Bishop has told me, his son has free will and will love him no matter what choices the son makes. You should also have free will. The choice is difficult, but you shouldn’t live a lie. I hope my daughter won’t get baptized Mormon and will move on and stop waiting for the missionary boyfriend. When you get right down to it, Mormons have no free will left, it is all about people pleasing. Good Luck to you both.

    • eric says:

      I’m sorry to hear that’s happening with your daughter. Make no mistake, as nice and loving as Mormons can be, they will not hesitate when it comes to sacrificing family relationships for the greater good. In fact it is viewed as a mark of exceptional piety. If they are dedicated members there is no way they will stand for having a non-mormon daughter-in-law. It conflicts with the most serious doctrines at the core of mormonism regarding the eternal family. Even if they act like they are ok with it, it will constantly eat at them, will be the focus of their prayers, and their relationship with your daughter will always carry with it the underlying goal and hope of converting her to mormonism. It’s likely you’re already familiar with this but if she’s not a member, their son’s “exaltation” in the next life could be placed in jeopardy since the highest degree of exaltation requires an eternal marriage, possible only between members of the church, and this would place their entire family’s eternal condition in jeopardy since they can only be together for eternity if they make it to the highest degree of heaven (Side note: It’s mind boggling how little thought is actually put into this doctrine considering how much emphasis is placed on it. No one really knows what it actually means for the family to be together forever and what the alternative looks like, they just know that anything short of it is intolerable).

      I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shared or heard somebody share the following verses from Matthew 10 with people when convincing them to convert to Mormonism even at the expense of their family both on my mission and since:

      34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
      35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
      36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.
      37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

      Every good Mormon is 100% convinced that this is Christ’s one true church and as such, it has the exclusive right to assert Christ’s admonition in reference to joining the church. I guarantee you they will be used on your daughter at some point (if they haven’t already) if they see you as a hinderance to her conversion. Furthermore, depending on how seriously she’s considering joining and how trusting she is of them, she may be persuaded that any opposition on your part, any reference to church history etc., is the work of the devil. This puts you in the awkward position of either wholly accepting her and being supportive if she decides to join or trying aggressively to stop that before it happens. Not that you need any parenting advice, but based on my experience, if she is convinced it’s right, support is probably the best option, otherwise it will ruin the relationship. At least you’d be a friend of the one true church, a potential member, rather than an enemy wholly on the outside. Good members of the church view everything in life through the lens of the church, and your relationship would be no exception.

      Let me know if there is anything I can do to help. I’d be interested to know what stage your daughter is at in the process. Like I said, I’ve served a mission myself and my father is currently a mission president in charge of almost 200 missionaries so I’m fairly familiar with how it all works and what is currently being done.

  4. Mitch says:

    This is what I have learnt from reading Vedanta: that Religion teaches common sense then some it can be good for a human also bad for a human, it can build a persons morals and values as well as make him full of delusion. Meaning its up to the Individual as well as the (Dharma) Ethics. I my self belive in a Universal Lord, and admire the Eastern Spirituality which is much more Universal and more understanding once you do proper research and have an open understand etc.

    Hang in there Sarah you are doing the right thing take care of your self

  5. Mitch says:

    Also you should quest religion and find legitimate facts

  6. Karen says:

    I hope you will continue to post on here. I am interested in your views and i support you!

  7. I admire your courage as well. Hope things get better for you….and I hope to see you posting back on here again soon. It is inspiring to read your messages.

  8. Heather says:

    I found a website that I think you will find both honest/sobering (at the beginning) and encouraging (especially toward the middle and end), in response to what you said about not being sure “what to do next.” It is written by a lady who went through these struggles in the late ’80s. God is drawing your heart to grace, truth, and ultimately where truth is, there is such freedom. I pray God will continue to answer your questions and lead you as the gentle Shepherd that He is. The website is:



  9. Matthew says:

    Hi Sarah, I am a Christian who would like to help you. I am not in any way affiliated with Mormonism. I read this blog post and my heart goes out to you, because I know what Mormonism is and I know that it is not the truth. I am aware of how they treat their members and how Mormons are bent on perfection. I know how Mormon leaders and Mormon church members in general are completely against the idea of looking in to the veracity of Mormonism. I have heard of so many Mormons who have left the religion and have been subsequently ex-communicated by the church and been rejected by their family members. I don’t know how far you are willing to go to search for truth and find it, but I promise you that there is hope for you! I don’t just say this because I believe it, I say it because I have seen so many people exit the Mormon church and find hope in the REAL Jesus and their spouses soon afterward leave as well. I’m not sure what you are feeling about God at this point; I imaging that there might be bad feelings you might have toward God but that is only because the Mormon church has skewed who God really is. Mormons believe that Jesus is spiritual child of God. But Jesus explicitly says in the Gospel of John. Mormons believe that there are many Gods, but in the Bible over and over again it clearly states that there is only One God. He is from “everlasting to everlasting” (Psalm 90:1-2), meaning he is eternal, and was never a human being and furthermore human beings can never become gods. This is the truth: God Himself, the Eternal Father, came down in the form of a man: Jesus Christ, and died for our sins, and then rose on the third day. The teachings that have endured by the acts of Joseph Smith are completely heretical to what is known as orthodox Christianity, and it is heresy because it goes against what the True church has been teaching for over 2000 years! I want to share with you the true Gospel, and that is: whoever believes that Jesus is who he claimed to be: the eternal God, and repents of their sin and puts their total and complete trust in Him, will have eternal life. Another falsity of the Mormon doctrine is that they believe that works and being a part of the Mormon church will get you to a higher heaven. The truth is that there is only ONE Heaven, and anyone who believes in Christ will go there to be with Him. I do not believe that there is an organized church of Jesus Christ, I believe that Christ’s church is worldwide and is made up of all different kinds of denominations and have all different sorts of structures and orders to it. However, His church is made up of those who have turned from their sin and place their trust in Him as God and not just Savior: He is Savior AND God. Lastly, Mormons believe that salvation depends on works, however, that is not the truth. The truth is that salvation is by faith alone: “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast” (Ephesians 2:8). Yes, it is important that we repent of our sin but that is not what saves us; it is Christ’s sacrifice that has paid for our sins 100% in full. I hope that this has helped. Please let me know if you need clarification on any thing that I have said, or need Bible references to anything that I have said. Please feel free to ask me any questions in general regarding Mormonism (I happen to know quite a bit about Mormonism), and about religion in general, or anything really for that matter; I would be more than happy to answer your questions. Or if you just need help in general with anything, I am willing to help you in any other way that I can. My name is Matthew, and please feel free to contact me to ask me any further questions, or you can just write back on this blog and I will try to respond as soon as I can. 🙂

  10. Andie says:

    I am trying to survive in the Mormon culture for the peace in my immediate family, BUT I am having a very hard time. I do not believe in Joseph Smith and lost my “testimony” through studying its history… therefore, it is impossible for me believe in the church anymore. My disillusionment started in college while studying church history. While I put those concerns aside over and over through the years since (at least tried to), it has not worked for me and I have felt angry and alone in these concerns for many years. My husband has been a bishop (one of the hardest experiences of my life) and this experience only added to my knowledge about the mixed up way Mormons view love and acceptance of others. They would never admit to being judgmental…but they are. I have a few good friends that are Mormons…but our friendship is limited in the sense I cannot let them know how I feel about the church. I am sure our relationships would change…I feel so alone in this culture that I cannot risk losing these few friends. Most of the LDS women I know are so difficult for me to relate to. I find myself so frustrated with their focus on how “good” they appear… whether that is through a “church calling” or service they do (which they usually FB about all the time :(… I just feel so alone. I feel angry some days…and I just wish I could move past the anger. I’ve wasted so much emotionally energy on a church that is a great hoax. Entertaining any tolerance for this sort of thinking is not something anyone trying to be a “good Mormon” can handle…therefore, I am alone in this, within my family and most of my friendships. I cringe at some of the indoctrination I hear in childrens primary settings…and feel like I have to talk with my children afterward, to try and explain and fix what was said there. I feel like if I remove myself from the church I will not be able to hear and buffer the things they hear. My husband (as I mentioned was once a bishop), is a full believer in the Mormon church. He is afraid of reading anything that may even slightly appear to question the church. Why is that? Why is it a scary thing, if it is true? If it is true, wouldn’t it win out in the end? How can so many people refuse to look at it closely. I cannot understand it…other than recognizing that there are years of brainwashing experiences behind Mormon testimonies.

  11. Daryll says:

    Interested in your blog and thoughts- kudos to you for voicing your thoughts

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