Why Is Polygamy Wrong?

“Power does corrupt, and both political and religious leaders have been regularly seduced by it.” Jim Wallis (God’s Politics)

Why Polygamy is and always will be Wrong:

  •  Young girls dreams are almost always consumed with marrying the man of her dreams that will love only her. This is her whole life. Women tend to care about this exclusive romantic relationship way more than men, who are more interested in sex and variety.
  • The established needs of women are impossible to be met in a polygamist marriage. These needs include: ongoing affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support and help with the kids and the house.
  • In all polygamous cultures, women have extremely low status. All must obey their husbands. Almost none get to choose who they marry, and many are married against their will too much older men. Thus, despite the polygamists’ arguments, polygamy is not about rights: it’s about the power over and control of one group by another.
  • Polygamy is almost never polyandry. It’s not about women’s freedom to choose who they marry or how many spouses they have: it’s about women being owned by men.
  • Most “families” in polygamous situations are poor. The men in these “families” cannot financially support all the women and children, and the women are generally not permitted the freedom to choose a career and work outside the family.
  • The media has shown some polygamous women claiming that they are happy in their multiple marriages. But these statements have to be viewed carefully. According to the religion of these cultures, women are only permitted into heaven by permission of their “husband” or by being a polygamist. Sometimes, women in these cultures are afraid to reveal their true thoughts and feelings or to jeopardize their fragile status. Meanwhile, many women who have left these polygamous situations describe the complete subjugation they had to endure.
  • Legalized polygamy would reduce women’s rights. Moreover, they would raise their  families of children to believe that they must follow the same path into heaven, which would further add to the anti-women voting pool. In a short period of time, 200 years of struggle for women’s rights would vanish.
  • Marriage is a partnership and a relationship. Polygamy turns marriage into a cattle drive.
  • Most plural wives have no legal protection during or after the marriage. The reason is that most polygamist men have one legal wife and the subsequent wives are “spiritual wives” – they are not legally married. When a spiritual marriage ends before the husband’s death, a spiritual wife has no claim to spousal support or equitable distribution of marital property. Spiritual wives are also not entitled to an intestate or elective share of the husband’s estate, or any of the legal benefits of marriage, including Social Security survivor benefits.
  • Most people agree that countries that practice polygamy live in an oppressive, abusive society with fanatical, religious men- especially when they marry young girls to older men. Joseph Smith did the same thing.
  • Polygamist societies have created a way to stay in good standing with the church and society, while cheating on your spouse. Basically, if you get tired of your current wife you don’t need to go through the hassle of a divorce, or the consequences of being called a cheater. You can have your cake and eat it too. Most men I know that cheat, don’t want to get divorced with their current wife- they want to have both- so this polygamist thing works out very well for men.  Some people argue that men don’t want more than one wife to deal with, but when I bring up the idea of polygamy to young men it is always met with a favorable response.  Also, if the woman was giving him a hard time he could just leave and go to one of his wives who was not giving him a hard time.
  • Polygamy is upheld in Muslim countries because Mohammed had several wives, which is the same thing Mormons do to uphold polygamy in their history because Abraham, etc. had several wives. The recording of historical acts, including instances of polygamy, is not necessarily an endorsement of it by God. The Bible records both good and bad actions of people, even people considered to be righteous. The fact that David and Solomon had several wives and that it’s in the Bible doesn’t automatically imply that God was pleased by it. Monogamy is first mentioned in Genesis 2:24 – it was God’s intention from the beginning. While God did allow polygamy for a time, it was probably for the same reason as his allowance of divorce: “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning” (Mt 19:8). It was a sexist cultural behavior.
  • When women/girls have sex with men because they have been led to believe (psychological abuse) it is their moral obligation- or their way into heaven- and not because they want to or because it is based on love- or mutual desire- it is sexual abuse.
  • Polygamist wives have the worst of all worlds. They end up being single parents, with lots of children (usually because birth control is forbidden), no help, little money and no mutual love or support. In some ways it is akin to living in a third world country.
  • Some may say the women have the support of their other wives, but jealousy would stand in the way of this support. I wouldn’t want to become good friends with my husband’s new hot teenage wife especially when she didn’t have any kids yet. There would inevitably be favorites. It couldn’t be helped. This would cause a lot of bad feelings between the women. It would be a constant game of comparisons. Also the kids would be compared against each other. The whole concept in practice is psychologically abusive.
  • Therefore I conclude, Polygamy is wrong and does not work. Nor will it ever work.
    When I ask other Mormon women if they would stay in the church if Polygamy was brought back they almost always say no, but then I say, if you die early and your husband remarries in the temple you will be forced to practice polygamy in heaven. This is usually met with silence and blank stares or “He better not!” Statistically, he will.                                         

What do you think? I would especially like to hear from women.

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39 Responses to Why Is Polygamy Wrong?

  1. TAO says:

    As said, until you know the justice of God, I cannot explain it to you, though it is just.

  2. Reason says:

    I’ve known adult women who willingly and among other consenting adults enter polyamorous relationships. You’ve stated it is wrong (immoral) if a girl is compelled to enter the relationship against her wishes or as a forced moral obligation. But what if it is among consenting adults?

    You may find this commentary to be of further interest: “Deuteronomy contains a rule for the division of property in polygamist marriages. Old Testament figures such as Abraham, David, Jacob and Solomon were all favored by God and were all polygamists. Solomon truly put the “poly” to polygamy with 700 wives and 300 concubines.” — Jonathan Turley

    http://www.usatoday.com/news/opinion/columnist/2004-10-03-turley_x.htm

    It is my sincere opinion that all religion is man made and once a leader is able to convince his followers that he speaks with divine power, he immediately engages in the most sexual deviant behavior he can get away with because he can now justify it as a commandment from a god or from an angel with a flaming sword (*cough Joseph Smith*).

    • sarah says:

      If a woman says that she entered willingly into a polygamist marriage then she is settling because she thinks she has to do it in order to get the guy blindly loves or she feels she has to do it to receive exaltation and she was pressured and brainwashed. Joseph Smith promised salvation to the entire family if the girl would marry him. I don’t believe any of the old testament polygamist leaders were really prophets who had the favor of God. The men who wrote the Bible were largely sexist. I don’t take the bible stories literally. It is filled with history mixed with mythology mixed with culture and time-period bias. I believe in God, but I don’t believe in prophets. I believe in intuition and spirit and conscience, but I don’t believe in a few males in power leadership positions who tell everyone else what to do and how to behave. They can make suggestions, just like everyone else, and then I will look to my own conscience to decide if I want to adopt their ideas using reason.

      • yahudah says:

        SARAH,a good strong woman’s name….i am a man,i am a hebrew yisraelite/mohawk ansestory who believes in YAHUWAH THE MOST HIGH ELOAH through YAHSHUA HA’MASHIAH,i am against polygamy,i used to believe in it and the teachings,until ABBA YAH has opened my eyes and THE REAL TRUTH of polygamy(plural marriage)i saw what it does,i saw what it did to my beloved woman,it was through her prayer and ABBA YAH began to show me,but HE was always convicting me…..polygamy was never ordained by YAH,and i challenge anyone who says otherwise…look in bereshith(genesis)2:24,and i will share with you what ABBA YAH showed me,it was after the fall of adahm and chawah(who people call eve),it was then that polygamy was started,abraham got rid of all his concubines,dawid repented of it,and YAHSHUA says in mattithyahu(mathew)19:5– a man shall leave his father and mother and cling unto his wife,and the TWO shall become ONE FLESH,shaul states it in eph’siyim(ephesians)5:31 as well…now lets look at your statement about men who wrote the bible were largely sexiest,i do not believe that at all,look at what sarah did,it was her that gave hagar to abraham,and then jacobs’ wives,who gave their maidens to him,women are not innocent either,the women are just as gulity of this…MEN and WOMEN are equally guilty.also,did you know that there are woman who have more than one husband,these are both WRONG.also,your intuition,spirit and your conscience will lead you astray…you wanna know the REAL ELOAH,let me introduce HIM to you,HIS NAME is YAHUWAH,and HIS SONS’ NAME is YAHSHUA(some say jesus,but thats not his name),it is through HIM that one can be truly saved..if you have facebook,my name is yahudah mosheh ben yaacov,and my beloved wifes’ name on there is rivkah yahudahs isha,please add us as your friend,and i know she will gladly talk to you,and ABBA YAHUWAH had me start a group called YAHS’ ONE WOMAN ONE MAN TRUE MARRIAGE COVENANT,i will be glad to add you to the group.
        shalom shalom,
        yahudah

      • Nava says:

        I totally agree with Yahudah and his Isha. My husband of 23 years now tells me he is no longer of our Christian faith, but now is a Hebrew Israelite. I have problems in my relationship now because he says he believes in polygamy. He says, “Just because I believe in the practice of polygamy it doesn’t mean I will personally practice it.” He also made it clear that he no longer believes in “monogamy” relanships. So….. I sit here today not knowing where my husband stands regarding OUR relationship that we presently have. He keep telling me the reasons he believes in polygamy is because prophecy says it will t4ake place (Isaiah 4:1) I am very upset and shocked by a lot of this Hebrew Israelite stuff. My husbands interpretation of Bible Scriptures has really changed. I now worry about my future?
        I would really like to get a email to Yahuda and his wife who are also Hebrew Israelites. I tried to find them both on their FACEBOOK with no success. Please help with any advice. Please reach out to me Yahudah and Rivkah so I can join your Facebook group you started” Yah’s one woman one man …….. Send me your Facebook link?

    • Mandy says:

      With regards to polygamy being favored in the Old Testament ( abraham)~ when Christ came in the New Testament, Old Testament customs, such as polygamy, were no longer valid. So, it would be safe to say that polygamy should not be valued by practicing Christians. Further more, the book of Mormon is a seprate entity from the Bible and should NOT be associated with Christian docterine. The Bible is Christ’s word and it specifically states that any addition (the book of Mormon) or subtraction from the Word is a sin.

  3. Reason says:

    subscribing to your feed and responses*

  4. Maureen Jensen says:

    Hi Sarah,
    I have been upset ever since seeing a program on TV called “Sister Wives”. It is about a man and his three (or is it four?) wives and the cameras follow them around as they “happily” live together. It is a thin facade as the women talk about how great it is and how well it works as I can see that their faces may crack at any moment. Of course, the alpha, Kody (of course his name is Kody! Wouldn’t you turn into an insane power hungry manipulative loser if your parents named you Kody?) is as happy as a pig in poo. One episode shows him taking one of his wives on a camping trip, no sister wives, no kids, and shows what a good time is is having with her alone, and then we are shown the sister wives talking about how they aren’t jealous and you can see each of them dying inside. What is wrong with these women? They are putting back women’s struggle for independence many years. Kody, meanwhile, while putting on a great show as the sincere, loving, caring husband is laughing all the way to his next orgasm with his various partners.
    I feel much better now. Thanks for listening.

  5. LV says:

    “Some may say the women have the support of their other wives, but jealousy would stand in the way of this support…It would be a constant game of comparisons. Also the kids would be compared against each other. The whole concept in practice is psychologically abusive.”

    — When I read this paragraph, I cried. I am just recovering from a polygynous relationship. I never expected that I would be in one, but I ‘fell in love’ with this man. It was never easy. I agree with you that the ‘whole concept in practice is psychologically abusive’ to the woman. I know what it did to me psychologically and emotionally.

    I am glad that this early, I was able to get out of it. A lot of prayers and faith in God went into my decision.

    A relationship is designed for one man and one woman, not for a man and a lot of women or a woman for a lot of men. It has always been the truth. Some men try to distort this truth for their purpose. In a polygamous or any polygynous relationships, the man does not truly love (love in its truest and purest sense) these women, but only himself.

    If only we would take God’s teachings into our hearts… everything will make sense.

  6. Mitch says:

    Im with you Sarah its a exploitive practice that exploits that saying: Treat them Mean keep them Keen, meaning dont give them enough attention they crave for it and then when you do they appreciate it but its realy taking advantage of women and why arnt Women allowed to have more than one man then? And not to be disrespectful I find women who do this weak and i lose respect but I do fell sorry for them that they cant have one Husband and love each other dearly.

    And to Tao if your refering to Pologamy is right then you are one trully delusioned person if you can not describe in a Psychological evaluation of why it is right than it is not Just and Justice of God, Justice is more to deal with Justice for those suffered at the hands of others not Pologamy I hope you find a women who you will love and Cherish and look after and wont go and marry another so you can sleep around in delusion thinking its Just and Gods Justice what ever that may be.

  7. bekaki says:

    Polygyny was tolerated in the Old Testament, as was ‘any-cause divorce’, for the protection of women, and for the hardness of male hearts. Now that we are in the times of the New Covenant, the new standard applies – although, I shouldn’t really call it a ‘new’ standard, but the ORIGINAL standard – one man and one woman. That simple. It was Adam and Eve; not Adam, Eve, Daisy and Mable LOL.

    I am not a Mormon, but I am a Christian. It was actually rather interesting to read what you have written here, thoughts from a woman with an LDS background, much of these things, such as husbands choosing heaven for their wives, is unknown to us! Thank God the Bible reveals that God alone is the judge of a person, male or female, and it is His decision alone as to whom does or does not enter heaven.

    • Reason says:

      “That simple. It was Adam and Eve; not Adam, Eve, Daisy and Mable LOL.”

      Actually, it was Adam and Eve, Cain and Eve, Able and Eve, etc. In any case, the story is hardly believable once you get any amount of decent biology education. There are cases of polygamy, polyandry, and also gay partnerships in the animal kingdom.

  8. Danny says:

    Hello Sarah,
    I read your article here and was fascinated by it (and the topic in general). First let me make a few statements so you’re clear where I stand.

    a) I’m not truly a “christian”, I’m more spiritual than religious though I follow the bible pretty close.
    b)Personally I don’t believe there is anything wrong with the fundamental ideal of polygamy, but rather it’s implementation.

    Let me see if I can put us both on the same path here (mentally). I believe that most groups who institute polygamy do it exactly the way you described…as a form of control. There is nothing holy about taking a teenage girl as your X*th wife and treating them as your property. In those situations not only is it wrong, but I’m also certain it is damaging to the psyche of all the members involved. Also if those men really loved their wives, having more than one means much more work that they clearly aren’t doing. I mean, if you took another job you wouldn’t expect to be allowed to do the same amount of work you did at one job and simply split it between both right? It means double your effort.

    That being said, I don’t believe it isn’t “possible” to have a healthy meaningful polygamist marriage between a man and multiple women. Let me explain why…

    When a man truly loves a woman and marries her, they enter a pact. “forsaking all others” as they say. I don’t see husbands being any more important than wives in this. They are equals. The husband is responsible for living up to her expectations just as much as she is for living up to his.
    The husband should be talking things out and coming to decisions WITH his wife, not simply informing her what HE decided was best. The husband should talk out with his wife any feelings for another woman with his wife and they decide the course of action from there. Of course this will always be an awkward conversation to have, but god never said things would always be easy and feel natural.

    Another reason I believe it is doable is because of how men and women are psychologically.

    Woman become infatuated with men in a much deeper aspect than men do with women. I cannot think of a more pure love than that of a woman for her man. It is beautiful. This isn’t to say men don’t love, I just think men don’t get mesmerized by it. You never hear of a man staying with a woman who is very neglectful of him. Most woman do stay in awful relationships that they shouldn’t simply because they are blinded by their love, so much so that they can’t tell it’s hurting them. This lack of tunnel vision opens up a man’s view of other people thus opening opportunities to fall in love.

    Should both parties choose to enter a polygamous relationship, then I can’t say it is wrong. As I read your points, it seemed to me that if a woman said that it is what she wanted you dismissed her as being “brainwashed” or lying. I hope you take into account the possibility that she just understands these things I’ve mentioned and she married a man who would treat her properly regardless of how many wives he had and is still ok with it.

  9. Steph says:

    Polygamy..is a sick disgusting torcher. It should never be legal, most cases women are raped. It IS against their will. Even if it isn’t, it should never be legal, not because of “morals” The kids lives are so messed up. They have to deal with complete crap because of their sick so called “father” That I would never ever consider a father. These relationships are most certainly not about love, in some countries 12 year old girls or younger have to marry 80 year old men. Even if it was a willing situation, what about the unwilling? If it’s legal, they’d have no choice. Marriage should be between two people, and only Two people, if you’re not about a relationship, and only lust such as polygamy, then go date! No need for marriage at all!!! At all. There is enough wrong things with this world instead of men forcing hundreds of girls to have sex with them, or I should say rape them. Women are humans too, In fact I’m beginning to believe women are the only humans left on this earth. Anyone that does agree with murder, rape, incest, bestiality, all the torcherous things, well you have some mental issues, you honestly do, and if you support this, you mine as well just see every human dead because if we agree with rape, and murder. We will all eventually die off from being raped and murdered. I will never ever support this horrible torcherous act. I also found out these relationships, the men beat the wives. Like I said anyone that does support this, has some major major major mental issues.

    • Petter Falch Rasmussen says:

      If it is legal, you have the choice, if it is illegal, you cannot choose it, and if it is forced, you cannot unchoose it. But merely having the option is what choices are all about. Marriage should be between people that love each other, want to become one, start a family together and/or simply want to get married, mutually

  10. Megumi says:

    I think someone had mentioned earlier that perhaps polygamy cannot be considered ethically wrong if all parties consent to it. I think polygamy in itself is not wrong but the instances of polygamy; the other factors that may show up with polygamy.
    To me, the problem lies within the teachings of a polygamous group. If three people were to enter into a polygamous marriage and all parties genuinely believed that they are happy then I don’t think it can be wrong. To me, I am questioning the logic of the women who enter into these marriages. Perhaps they are brainwashed but still, the problem is not polygamy. It lies within the possible jealousy between the wives, the fact that the husband may not have the drive to keep his wives happy, and the bogus belief that women think that they can only enter into heaven by being polygamous.
    Also, beating your wife and/or child happens in all types of marriages so it cannot be fair to say that polygamy can cause physical abuse. I don’t support polygamy but whether it is wrong or not depends on each specific situation. Murder and rape are NOT the same thing. The morality of rape and murder can be determined by their definition alone and in ANY instance, rape, and murder are NEVER okay so it is ridiculous to even start to compare polygamy to actual crimes like murder and rape.
    If a woman enters into the marriage knowing the possibilities then we have no right to claim that it is wrong. Just because someone else is disgusted by something doesn’t make it wrong. There are perhaps more logical reasons to prove that polygamy is ethically wrong (which is what I have to try and do for my philosophy class) but for now, without proof, I can’t say that it is.

    • Jess says:

      “If a woman enters into the marriage knowing the possibilities then we have no right to claim that it is wrong.”

      That is completely ridiculous to say. When a 14 year old is getting into a relationship with an a 60 year old man the only reason it would be willingly is because shes frightened or just doesn’t know any better. And whose fault would that be? The parents/community I suppose? When you grow up surrounded by such outrageous beliefs and customs within marriages, there’s no way that a young girl would have any different mindset, and if she does, then she’d eventually be convinced that she will “grow into it” or “learn to love him”.
      That’s like a child hitting another child to get a crayon back. If that’s what he see’s in his home or in other children, obviously he doesn’t know any better but to follow suit.
      It’s called ignorance. If one doesn’t know any different, why are they going to fight it.

      If women grew up in societies where women are educated about their rights and surrounded by diverse cultures and beliefs, then they would come to realize the potential for a true loving, caring and proper realtionship with a man; monogomoulsy.
      In contrary, IF they do choose the polygamist relationship, then fine. They KNOW what the potential is, are well informed and they see that it is possible to have one man and one woman together yet they chose polygamy. That is when you can say that they “know the possibilites” and freely accpeted the marriage.

      • Petter Falch Rasmussen says:

        Well, that is probably what is meant by “know the possibilities” and choosing. If you do something because you fear something, you do not do it by your own choice.

  11. cmc says:

    Polygamy at its core is not wrong or right. It just simply is a practice.
    Now do most polygamy relationships go sower yes. That is true with out polygamy. There just seem to be such a higher rate of those because of the fact that they are so much more publised.

    Further more the response to there is no support for the other wives durring the marriage or after is because of the not allowing plural marriages at all.

    Please by all means would you explain to me how being pluraly married takes away from the rights of a women? This does interest me. Also how does it stop the feminest movemnt? For that matter why do women need to be over men, or the opposite why do men need to be over women? Where is the balance.

    Point blank to say polygamy is deffinitly wrong is incorrect. Polygamy is fine. It is the abuse of those that use it that is incorrect. Before you say one thing is wrong you must first find the true facts. Not just one sides.

  12. I think you have some astute comments; however, I would point out that

    1) Marriage in general actually also reduces women’s status on average. Most societies use marriage to provide sexual access for men and guarantee the providence of children.
    2) People have the right to enter into abusive relationships if they so choose (when the abuse begins, it is illegal, but they have the right to take the risk). Even if polygamy isn’t likely to be good for the woman, which I think is based on sexist assumptions, it’s still peoples’ right to do it.

    There are many polyamorous relationships I’ve seen that work and many monogamous relationships that flatly don’t. There’s no one-size-fits-all formula, regrettably…

    • opulasereth says:

      Marriage in general actually reduces woman’s status on average?Most societies use marriage to provide sexual access for men & guarantee the providence of children.Sounds pretty one-sided….(because that statement is just that)
      You know women need & want sex just as much as a man does.Woman’s status is only lowered when men view them as second class & their personal property.If a woman has low self esteem it is because of the lies she has bought into that she is nothing without a man! In other words …….a woman needs a man to be complete. Well a man needs a woman also to be complete & have a family.No one in the family is worth more than the other.As far as the poly families that you said that worked out…….no doubt it is because they all respect & love each other above their own selfish desires.That’s what it takes for all & any kind of marriage.

  13. Phill says:

    Sp why is Polygamy so inherently damaging and wrong while it is perfectly legal for a man to have 10 girlfriends or for a woman to have 10 boyfriends? Its strange right that as long as you call your wifes girlfriends you are covered but the moment you call your girlfriends wives you are committing an illegal act. It sort of reminds me of that picture of those soldiers urinating on a dead enemy, they blurred out the place where their penises would be but not the dead body. Its perfectly fine to show people soldiers urinating on a corps but penises are just wrong. It is perfectly fine to have 10 or 100 girlfriends but the moment you call it a wife you deserve jail time. Its hopelessly old fashioned.
    Also the idea that this would be a massive occurrence is just ignorant. In countries where polygamy is allowed it only covers like 1-3% of all marriages. I saw this video of a Muslim man explaining how he was allowed by the Koran to have multiple wife’s and the justifications for it and then they asked him are you planning on a second wife and he replied “Are you kidding me? My wife would kill me!!”.
    The world isn’t suddenly going to crumble into total chaos if we just let people carry their own responsibility. We don’t need the government holding our hands every step of the way and covering our eyes from what they deem is not suitable for us. People can and will be responsible.

    • sarah says:

      It is not perfectly fine to have 10 or 100 girlfriends. Usually girls who are dating a guy like this do not know about the other girls. Most likely he is a cheater and a liar. It is not perfectly fine. If you think it is than you have a big problem with ethics and morals. If a girl does tolerate other girlfriends it is because she has a low self-esteem and the guy is making that worse because he treats her badly instead of like his one and only special person which she deserves. It may not be illegal, but it is still wrong.

      • Petter Falch Rasmussen says:

        Having 10 or 100 girlfriends is perfectly fine! Usually it is like you depict, that they are treated bad. It is always wrong to treat anyone bad, even if it is only 1 girlfriend. The same goes for boyfriends, by the way.

  14. Annie says:

    I am currently struggling in a situation where my boyfriend wants a polygomous relationshiop. He used to always say to me that he wanted to have another woman or man because he wants a big family. Honestly I never really believed him. I always just thought it was a joke or something. We broke up (not because of this) and I was gone for a number of months. He found a new girlfriend, but when I came back we got back together. Ideally in his mind he could now have the both of us, but she didn’t want to go for that. I also told him that I would be jealous of her. He keeps telling me though that he wants either another man or a woman. I’m really not into this. I mean to me it is barbaric. So now I’m not sure if I should dump him for good because one day he may really get serious about this idea. Even now, he is going to get together with her and have sex with her. He tells me everything about her…I don’t know I’m starting to feel like I’m in a very messed up situation. I also feel like I’ve lost my objectivity to really see if this is right or wrong.

    • Petter Falch Rasmussen says:

      Is this boyfriend biphile? I am a polyamorous guy myself, and I see both good and bad things in this guy. That it is open for not only another woman, but another man is a very good thing, but I think it should be more careful about having sex with the other women, and telling you about it, when you are not fully comfortable with it yet. There is nothing wrong with loving more person and being in a relationship with it, but our society has brainwashed us to believe that only monogamy is real love, and it is very hard to get rid of feelings, feelings are more slow (thus more easily abused by conservative ideas), than rational, clear thinking. Jealousy is a butch, that we have learned, and it uses our fears to get a hold of us, but through good communication, most cases of jealousy can be dealt with. If you choose to stay in a polyamorous relationship, I think it is going to be hard work to learn a completely new mindset and view on love and life, but if you prefer a monogamous relationship, it might not be any easier after all :D But please don’t stay in a relationship that happens to be monogamous in practice simply because one person has not yet found another partner that is suitable. I am polyamorous, even when I have only one girlfriend, I am polyamorous even when I am single.

    • Or wait a minute… when it said it wanted another woman or man. Was it talking about having another woman or man partner for itself, or maybe another man partner for you… maybe a woman partner for you, for that matter? Anything goes! <3

  15. Cook says:

    Annie – “I should dump him for good because one day he may really get serious about this idea”…He already IS really serious about this idea. You deserve a man who can and will give you 100% of his love, fidelity, romantic attention, time, financial support, etc. This man will not :(

    • If this man goes on to have intercourse with others against Annie’s will, that is not being 100% right there. A valid reason for to dump someone. But Annie is itself also not giving 100% by describing the polyamorous mindset and practice as “barbaric”. Waiting to have intercourse with others until the partner is ready for it, is good and morally necessary, but also, it is not healthy to not have intercourse with someone you love, so the partner should make it a priority to come to terms, and be fully comfortable with it (NOT in a way that goes against its standards and principles, but for real). If not, you are also not giving 100% yourself. Both have valid reasons for dumping the other. It is now one must choose to love or to take the “easy” way out of love. Maybe someone aren’t wired (yet) to take the loving path, but SHOULD opt out. That is perfectly ok, doesn’t make you any less of a person.

  16. Petter Falch Rasmussen says:

    Most criticism of polygamy (plural marriage) only deals with polygyny (plural wives), and to a certain degree, I agree. I do not believe polygyny is a good system. But still, the main problem depicted is everything that correlates with polygyny in crazy, conservative religious societies. Polygyny can be practised in a somewhat good manner, which is not too damaging. But just the thought that rights/privileges aren’t gender symmetric seems horrendous, abusive and irrational to me. The way I see it, we first have a natural state, then try to make some order, in a very primitive and materialistic way, and get polygyny. Then, after a while, we develop into monogamy, where we learn equality. At the end of this phase, we have full equality between genders, but also between races (mixed race couples) and sexual romantic orientations (same sex marriages). Not until then are we truly ready for the last phase, the (gender neutral) polygamous/-amorous phase, where everyone is free to marry anyone they mutually want to marry and start families with.

  17. opulasereth says:

    The majority of polygamist marriages are based on a cult belief……Mormon & Muslim.Do women have a choice in either of these faiths? Absolutely NOT.If a Mormon women is raised & believes in the teachings of Joseph Smith……the book of Mormon says that a women will be damned to hell if she refuses polygamy.Fear of going to hell is a strong influence to submit to something you would normally not decide to do (brainwashing based on a lie).In the Muslim faith……the husband has the right to have 4 wives & the first & second & third wife do NOT have any say in the situation period.They are lucky if they happen to have a husband who asks them for their approval….BUT in the Koran it states that the husband or father is the absolute ruler & he does’nt need to ask any woman for approval because he IS their ruler.Women are looked upon as being worth 1/2 of what a man is worth.A womans testimony in court is worth 1/2 of that of a mans.A girl or woman gets 1/2 the inheritance of that of which her brother gets.It is these lies that are passed down from generation to generation that have kept women in ignorence & in bondage & in polygamist marriages through out the ages Muslim polygamists generally do not have all their wives & children live in one house….Each wife has her own home w/her children.You basically have to be a rich man to do this.
    In the Bible polygamy was & is a custom NOT a commandment from God.Do i believe that there are happy polygamist families?Yes i believe there are .Do i believe that it is fair for women? No not at all but if a woman has a free will to choose that lifestyle & is NOT being forced into it ….then who am i to say it’s wrong & stop it just because i don’t like it?

  18. Nava says:

    I totally agree with Yahudah and his wife. One man and one woman is how Yah set up marriage. By the way, how can I join Yahudah and your wife on Facebook. I have been trying with the information you provided above with no success. I am very interested in the group you started Yah’s one woman one man ….. on facebook.

    Nava

  19. Nava says:

    I am a new Hebrew woman to the faith and like Yahudah mentioned below God instituted marriage with Adam and Eve. My husband and I have been married for 23 years with 4 sons and 1 daughter and just around a year ago HE NOW tells me he believes in the practice of polygamy ! I was blown away ! When my husband left Christianity completely in 2009 to become a Hebrew Israelite marriage has not been the same. He told me just recently that he NO LONGER believes in a monogamous relationship because this type of relationship is of a western culture and not of a HEBREW culture. I was devastated, because now I have to deal with the fact that now he would now want to take another wife!
    We constantly argue about polygamy because my husband believes according to the Bible its OK and I totally disagree and I don’t believe based on the Scriptures he gives me say polygamy means God gave HIS stamp of approval. Yes Jacob, David, and others pacticed polygamy, but that doesn’t make it right. These men and women CHOSE their polygamous culture/lyfestyles, but don’t try to convince me that GOD is all in these types of unions. But, there is NO question that God created the first and ONLY marriage union between ONE MAN and ONE WOMAN Adam and Eve !
    Do any you know how I can add Yahudah and his wife listed below on Facebook? I have tried with the Facebook information he listed with no success. I could really use some support from them being other Hebrew Israelites so please other Hebrew women those who DO practice polygamy and those who DO NOT we need to here from you. There are a lot of hurting women who need support myself included.

    Shalom Everyone,
    Nava

  20. Sofi says:

    I agree with this article, I’m a Muslim women and all of these reasons are very true. I do think women in Muslim communities are pressured into thinking and believing that polygamy(one man several women) is perfectly fine and if you oppose it then you disbelieve in god and almost an apostate in the eyes of especially Muslim men. Through out my life I have known a number of polygamous families and non of the women are happy, the sons in the family want to imitate their father and the daughters fear ending up like their mothers. I also noticed that women in polygamous relationships are not exactly friends in other words each wife has to do her own chores with no help and on top of that have less time with the husband, the husband is very similar to the same occasional boyfriend with other options open. This means that a lot of the house and kids responsibilities will fall on the women and there will be a lack of a father figure because he will be too busy trying to provide and attend to other wives. Moreover, the husband tends to have a favorite wife instigating and fueling jealousy between the wives and during all this time he “the husband” does not go through any of these things because after all he is not the one that is sharing. There is no woman that wants to share her husband but there are women that happen to be in situations that leads to accept polygamy and sacrifice and yes its a sacrifice for the women that they have to make for the sake of a more stable life. Polygamy may be a lot of things but it is definitely not fair and overall it makes it harder for women not better and that is the TRUTH.

    • Nava BatYah says:

      I totally agree that polygamy turns out to be just another occassional boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I have always believed that a relationship with plural wives is inconsistent in its approach to how “women” are viewed by most men. I often ask men the question could you put aside ALL of your feelings and your personal beliefs (regarding marriage between a man and a woman) if you had to share your wife ? The answer is always a resounding NO. YET a woman is supposed to deal HER issues of jealousy and the whole nine. I am doing a study right now to see if most men who want a polygamous relationship have personality disorders (narcissism, egotistical, etc.) or just plain selfish ! LOL Just my 2 cents……

      • What do you mean by “occasional”?
        Do you mean a relationship with plural wives, without saying anything about the numbers of husbands, or do you mean a relationship with plural wives and exactly one husband, no more, no less? Those are two extremely different things. The former is polygamy, the latter is polygyny, and it is highly dubious in morals. I am not a big fan of monogamy, myself, but I think polygyny is far, far worse than monogamy.
        There are alot of polyamorous and/or polygamous people that believes it is mandatory that women should have the same rights and privileges as men. If you only ask ultra conservative polygynists, of course the answer is going to be no.

    • Hmmm… that is unfortunate. It is said when religion that might be nice is abused like this. But please make a distinction between polygamy and polygyny. Polygamy isn’t unfair. Polygyny is unfair. It is completely ok if everyone is down with it, but you can’t be sure about that when you live under oppression. Polygamy doesn’t make it harder for women. Polygyny most certainly do. It could be used wisely to make it easier for women, but if that is the goal, there wouldn’t be any need for not having polygamy, which is better in every aspect.

  21. Mila Araujo says:

    I dont think polygamous marriges are in any way sane. If a man really loves a woman and decides to marry her, he’s entering a comittement, to be faithful, to share his life with the one woman. If a man seeks plural marriges he simply loves neither of these woman and should not agree to marry any. He might as well stay single and just have multiple babymamas lol. It makes more sense. What woman in her right mind would want to share her husband? The man she loves and vowed to share eternity with. Its disguisting really… to lay awake knowing your husband – half of her – is sharing his ” love ” and being intimate with another woman. I believe MARRIGE is a contract in agreement of manogoy between TWO people, gay, lesbian, or straight. Despite what anyone says, polygamy should be illegal EVERYWHERE, along with slavery and under age marriges. In agreement, polygamy is only most common in forced or arranged marriges.

    • Depends on what your definition of “sane” is, haha :D
      If a person loves another person, regardless of the gender of any of them, and decides to marry it (and the decision is mutual, of course), it’s a faithful commitment about sharing life and everything. That does in no way exclude any of the persons to love others, and seek the same kind of relationship with them. I am polyamorous myself, and I think your comment is a bit funny, althought I’ve seen that attitude so many times before, so it makes me a bit sad, too. I hope I’m not being disrespectful. I believe we are all made to love and be loved, and that doesn’t go well with monogamy (monogamy is one of the greatest threats against true love, in my opinion). I believe we are all made to be polyamorous. Of course we have grown up in this monogamously “brainwashing” culture of ours, and got unhealthy emotional responses programmed, so I understand that it is very difficult to breach that. It’s one of our greatest taboos. This opinion of mine might sound a bit disrespectful, but I try to not think in those terms when I deal with people. Then I see a person that believes in monogamy, and try to respect it as such, a choice that is as valid as my choice of being polyamorous (if we can use “choice” about such things). Some people might not want to have several partners, and some people might not want their partner(s) to have other partners. It’s what you are comfortable with that should set your boundaries, and you shouldn’t enter into a relationship where those boundaries aren’t respected.

      Ideally, with biphilia, three or more persons could all be equally involved with each other, but sad to say, I’m heterophile, and I am only attracted to females in that special sexual romantic relationshippy kind of way. More realistically, it’s better to have expectations of relationships being a one on one thing, where the one relationship I have with one girl is it’s own thing, and my other relationship with another girl is another thing, and if they want to hook up with each other, that’s (more than) fine with me (which they won’t since one of them is hetero).
      I allow my girlfriends to pursue their other love interests, be them male or female, and I feel good about thinking about them being happy with their other loves. That doesn’t hurt or threaten me in any way whatsoever. This might not be for you, maybe not even the majority, but please don’t say it isn’t for anyone. It IS for me. Monogamy is wrong for me on any level. Emotionally, morally, intellectually and whatever.

      There is nothing wrong with arranged marriages. Most marriages are arranged. Some are arranged a little over the top, if you ask me, with lots of guests and decoration and whatnot, using all the money, just to make the party of ones dream, haha. But arranged as in suggesting who are to marry each other. As long as you can say no, I’d love to have people try to find me potential matches *blush* Forced marriage is stupid, but every rational, consenting, well informed person should be allowed to marry every single one of its life partners! I think all of the instances you claim are the most frequent ones, of arranged/forced polygamies are not about consenting adults, but ultra conservative polyGYNIES. The way I see it, polygyny, that is one man and several women, is the most primitive and materialistic marriage type. It’s main purpose is to make some material order in a chaotic state. Then we advance from there to monogamy, to learn equality. First between genders, later between races and sexual romantic orientations. Not before that is fully established will we be ready for the polyGAMOUS (as opposed to the polyGYNOUS) phase. Most people aren’t ready for this, by far, and I don’t know if it would be wise to legalize this on a grand scale. I think the best solution is to keep polygamy mainly illegal as it is, but be open for applying for exeptions, where, if you could convince a somewhat rational and open minded jury or commission or something that your life partnerships were beneficial, you should of course have the right to legally marry your life partners.

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